Civility
by RetroRebel85
Summary: An IRL fic. Dee's pregnant. Noel's the father. The Boosh Boys are tense. Paul Foot's a maniac.  T for swearing.
1. The More Things Change

**Civility**

**1: The More Things Change**

"I don't believe this." Julian stared at Noel from across the boardroom. Amongst them, Mike sat twirling his hair, Rich tried to rebutton his shirt and Noel himself simply glared at Julian.

"Well, you should believe it." he snorted.

"You're not seriously going, are you?" Mike asked, frowning.

"Look, Dee needs me."

"WE NEED YOU, YOU SELFISH PRICK!" Rich cried.

"So I'm being selfish by looking after my girlfriend?" Noel shouted.

"N-n-no..." Rich looked away, then quickly left the room. Julian's eyes darted around the area, trying not to catch Noel's.

"What's wrong with her?" Mike questioned again.

"NOTHING!" Noel yelled once more, then turned and stormed outside, slamming the door shut.

"Shit." Julian slumped into his chair, staring at the ceiling. "What do we do now?"

"Find out what's wrong with Dee, that's what." Rich re-entered the room. "I've never seen him that angry before!"

"Well, he was certainly angry alright..." Mike sighed sadly.

**Around an hour later**

"Well what the hell are you waiting for?" Dee yelled at Noel from inside the flat. "I've been stuck here for seven fucking hours and you can't find your God-damned key!" Indeed, Dee Plume (or Delia Gaitskell if you want to get finicky) had been trapped in Fielding's apartment since six in the morning. And now he'd left his key back at the studio... he could go back and face the music, or just break through the window. Noel sighed, hitting his head repeatedly against the doorframe. Dee mumbled and shouted inside, but he wasn't listening.

_"This pregnancy better not be like this all the time..._" he thought to himself.


	2. The More They Stay The Same

**2: The More They Stay The Same**

"Oh look who it is." Julian smirked. "The prodigal son returns!" he laughed sarcastically as Noel thundered through the door.

"I LEFT MY KEYS, ALRIGHT?" the raven-haired man shouted. As he snatched his keychain and turned to leave, Mike stood in the doorway.

"I'm not in the mood, mate."

"You're never in _'the mood'_ though, are you?" the smaller man asked.

"I... just shut up, Michael." Noel pushed him aside and moved onwards.

Mike just stared after his brother, silently wondering what was wrong.

"ALRIGHT, SHUT UP, I GOT THE KEYS BACK!" Noel yelled at the building, but there was no reply. "...Dee?" he called, more hesitant this time. "Oh no..." he whispered, sprinting towards the flat. Scrambling frantically for his keys, he finally unlocked the door and barelled his way through into the apartment. "DEE!" he hollered, tears beginning to form in his eyes.

The door behind him slammed shut, and in it's place stood Dee.

"Thanks for the sore arm, dickhead." she smiled. He rushed to her, wrapping his arms around her.

"Why didn't you call back?" he asked, out of breath.

"Heh. I was on the phone." she replied.

"You... you what? You were on my phone without my permission?" he snapped.

"Yeah, you have a problem with that?" she asked.

"No. No problem. It's fine." he looked away from her, sighing.

"What's up?" she questioned.

"Just arguments with the guys s'all." he replied.

"Hey, chin up buddy." she smiled, putting her arm around his shoulder. "It's gonna be okay, you'll all patch up eventually."

"The look Mike gave me... my God..." Noel began to cry softly, as Dee sat stunned on the sofa.

"Er... yeah... c'mere." she pulled him close to her, taking his hand and leading him to the bedroom... where various rolls of paper laid across the bed.

"What's this?" he asked tearfully.

"DURR. Paper for the baby's room!" she happily replied.


	3. Showbiz Stance

**3: Showbiz Stance**

"Why can't we go out?" Dee frowned. "I've been stuck here for ages like!" she complained.

"We can't go anywhere. Or rather, you can't. What if someone sees you?" Noel stared out the window, looking for someone or something.

"WHAT? THAT. DOESN'T. MAKE. SENSE!" she shouted, throwing a plush lion at his head.

Noel turned, and without blinking, caught the lion by it's tail.

"Throw that at me again, and I'll toss it onto the rooftops." he smiled, chucking it back.

"Come on baby, not even for a few minutes?" she brought out the puppy dog eyes.

"I... oh... damnit... fine. For five minutes. But we can't be seen together." he warned.

"Oh yeah, God forbid that Noel Fielding be seen with a pregnant girl!" she laughed sarcastically.

"Alright, alright, watch it." he grimaced and left the flat, with Dee hot on his heels. He looked at her and admitted that, for a pregnant woman, she still looked gorgeous. He supposed that was just love at it's finest, when a car pulled up in front of the door. It was... pink. Neon pink and purple, with a customised license plate that read "PF1974".

"Oi, Fieldy!" a voice came from the windows, with the car blacked out on the interior. Noel approached the window, when the man inside suddenly leapt out of the window and tackled Noel to the ground. He yelped out of instinct while Dee kept hitting the assailant with her bag.

"HEY, IT'S ME!" the attacker cried out.

"... Paul?" Dee gasped.

"The one and only." Paul Foot smiled. "Now let's go hump some poles."


	4. A Binary Choice

**4: A Binary Choice**

"Paul, we're not going to hump poles today." Noel laughed, patting his friend on the shoulder. Dee stared at the two men for a while. "Yeah. I'll... let you two get to it." she was stunned, finding her way to a bench to sit on.

"Well then, boy-o, what do we do? DO WE GO AND FUCK SOME EXHAUST PIPES NOW?" Paul shouted, gathering disapproving looks from an old woman on a bus.

"OH SHUT IT BUS WANKER!" he screamed.

"Paul, please calm down!" Noel could barely contain himself now, trying to remain sensible in front of Dee in an effort to seem like a father. He glanced at his hands, then looked back at Paul who was glaring at a pigeon. "Evil. Plain evil." the ginger tapped Noel, pointing at the bird.

"But so sex-ayyyyy..." he moaned. Dee stood up and walked around the corner.

"HAVE YOU GAINED WEIGHT?" he asked her. She gasped in shock and pressed herself against the wall.

"OH, SPEAKING OF WEIGHT, I WAS TALKING TO THAT BELLEND JULIAN EARLIER!" Paul yelled.

"Stop shouting, mate." Noel chuckled.

"Oh right sorry. I like dongs. Anyhow, me and bellender were making lo- an interesting debate. A mass debate _ANYWAY_ he says he's real sorry for hurting your anus I mean feelings. Could you and him have a wank _I mean _talk sometime soon?" Paul frantically bounced around, before noticing a donut on the table beside Dee.

"I WONDER IF MY COCK WOULD GO THROUGH THAT, NOELIO HOLD IT AND LET'S SEE. NOT THE DONUT, MY MANHOOD!" he screeched. Noel wasn't paying attention though, having heard of Julian's sorrow. It was a binary choice...

Face the music, or live with the guilt?


	5. The Amazing Escapades of Noel Fielding

**5: The Amazing Escapades of Noel Fielding**

"Jules... I'm sorry. I was just so stressed and I need to talk- GAH!" Noel jumped backwards as the studio door opened... to reveal Rich in a bikini.

"And what the hell are you looking at?" he smiled at the black haired man.

"... Rich. Is J-" but before Fielding could finish his sentence, Julian appeared behind him.

"JESUS CHRIST, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!" Julian cried in fear, shutting his eyes.

"Noel." he nodded coldly.

"Julian..." Noel sighed, looking at him. "I'm sorry. I was so stressed and then with all that's going on with Dee, I've been all over -" he was interrupted yet again by Paul's car zooming past, whilst he sat on an armchair on the rooftop with no clothes on. "SUCKY SUCKY!" he screamed as the car crashed into a wall, sending him flying into a Nunnery.

"Right. What's with Dee?" Julian asked, staring into his friend's eyes.

_**"She's Pregnant."**_

Julian laughed for five minutes. Then he collapsed to the floor. Noel shook him, crying his name repeatedly, but Julian was in shock. The news had taken him aback. "What is it?" he asked.

"We don't know yet. Ultrascan hasn't been done for some reason."

"Well what would you like?"

"A girl. And we're calling her Heather."


	6. Babyshitter

**6: Babyshitter Part One**

**AN: This chapter and the next are a suggestion from my very best friend in the entire universe. Give her a read sometime, at angelandbolt.**

Dee sat in the apartment watching Countdown, making cock jokes from the vowels and consonants. As she was about to spell out Elephant Penis, there was a knock at the door. Looking through the letter box, she noticed a peculiar belt attached to a peculiar pair of jeans.

The buckle read "POLEFUCKER". It could only be Paul.

Reluctantly opening the door, Paul slithered his way in.

"What're you even doing?" she asked him.

"FUCK UP I'M BEING A SEXY SNAKE." he grinned.

"Why are you here?" she asked again.

Paul laughed, and said "Noel and me got our cocks stuck in a plate glass door, so... yeah. He wants me to look after you while he gets the shards removed from his chokey-chicken."

Dee suddenly felt violated as Paul put a pair of her panties on his head and ran into the fridge with them.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY PHALLIC OBJECTS I CAN EAT?" he shouted.

"There's a few bananas and cucumbers..." she mumbled.

"AHAHAAH CUM!" he yelled, swinging from Noel's lamp.

"Hey, get down!" she shouted at him.

Paul obliged, but his clothes were caught in the light. As he stood there in heart print boxers, mooning out the window, the kitchen combusted. Out of the blue. She slapped her head, then slapped him.


	7. The Reveal

**7: The Reveal**

**The Flat**

Paul wandered around the flat looking for something to do. Dee had slipped something into his drink, and now he felt relaxed and rejuvenated.

"What's this little white stick?" he shouted from the other room.

Dee's heart sank, and she desperately started to come up with excuses.

"Reminds me of a rectal thermometer." he smiled to himself, and Dee breathed a sigh of relief.

"Why does it say pregnant?" he asked.

**The Studio**

"My God, I'm going to be an uncle!" Mike paced around the boardroom, while Rich and Julian sat contemplating the situation. As the Fieldings excitedly chatted to each other, Fulcher tapped Barratt on the shoulder. "Does this mean he's leaving?"

"No mate, he'll just take paternity leave. He really shouldn't leave Dee by herself though." Julian muttered, taking all the information in.

"Actually, Paul's keeping her." Noel interrupted.

"_Paul Foot? YOU LET PAUL FOOT INTO YOUR HOME? HE'S A MANIAC!" _Mike shouted. rushing towards the door with the boys in hot pursuit.

"Holy shitsauce, we need to go faster."

**The Flat**

"There there sugarplum, it'll be okay." Paul rubbed Dee's shoulder as she sobbed.

"I just... I'm not ready for this!" she moaned.

"That's what Noel said when I introduced him to the art of pole buggery, but he learned and you will too!" Paul smiled to her.

"You're not a complete twat after all..." she chuckled.

The door knocked. Hard. "PAUL, OPEN UP!" Julian's voice came from the other side. There was a clattering of sharp metal, and Noel's key slid under the door.

"Oh here, I'll open it." Dee sighed, unlocking the door.

Rich had, at that point, been preparing to charge at the door and knock it down, when Dee opened it and stepped out of the way. It was too late for him to stop, and he tripped over the chair leg and into Paul.

"Well hello big boy." Paul winked.

"Happy pregnancy!" Mike smiled, patting her on the head. She laughed, and handed Noel and Julian cups of tea each. As Paul and Rich sat rubbing their heads after the collision, the rest of the group began to talk about the baby.

"Are you two married?" Julian asked.

"No, we aren't. Why?" Noel replied.

"No reason. Just wondering, yeah?"

"Yeah. We're going for the ultrasound scan tomorrow!" Dee grinned.


	8. Chapter 8

**8**

Noel turned to the men, with a small smile on his face. "Can you all... leave?" he asked as politely as he could. Julian and Mike looked at eachother, then to Rich and Paul, then nodded. Dragging one each, Julian to Rich and Mike to Paul. After they left, Dee dragged Noel into the bedroom.

**The Next Morning**

The sun had risen while they slept, casting an orange light across the entire room. Noel woke up, with his nose touching hers. He smiled, as her eyes flicked open.

"Hey." he winked. She kissed his lips and repiled "Hey baby."

"You ready for today?" he asked tenderly.

"I guess so." she glanced downwards and laughed. "Stretching your leg?"

Noel tilted his head to the side. "They're lying straight..."

Dee narrowed her eyes and licked her lips.

"OH!" Noel gasped, suddenly realising the joke.

As they prepared to leave for the hospital, Mike opened the front door and proclaimed that he was ready to drive them. On the way, the car was silent. Noel and Dee were holding hands in the back seat. They finally arrived, and Noel helped her in.

"Ah, Miss Fielding." the nurse smiled.

"It's Plume." Dee replied.

"... we don't have an-" the nurse began, when Noel butted in.

"Gaitskell."

"Oh right. Come on through."

The doctor applied gel on Dee's stomach, moving the scanner around her belly. She punched Noel's shoulder.

"There she is!" Dee squealed.

And indeed, Heather Fielding was on that screen.


	9. The Butterfly Effect

**9 - The Butterfly Effect**

"So... wanna get something to eat?" Noel asked Dee. They made their way to the cafeteria... where Paul was serving lunch.

"Alright sexy?" he shouted at Noel. The pensioner he was serving jumped out of her skin, and shook her fist weakly at Paul, who retaliated by throwing mashed potatoes at her.

"So how's the wee one?" he asked Noel.

"We got scanned there, and it's definitely a girl."

"Ooh. That's nice. Potatoes?" he asked, scraping some of the woman's face.

"No, that's okay, we were going somewhere else." Noel declined, leaving Paul to fight off security guards.

"Noel, where do we go?" Dee asked him.

"I dunno, we could slide down the elevator shaft." he laughed.

"Yeah. I'm not doing that, ever."

"You keep telling yourself that!" he smiled at her, and called the lift.

As they sat in a crowded coffee shop, Noel remarked on the long waiting times.

"I'm Noel bloody Fielding, this should be faster!" he complained.

"Uh huh." she stared out the window they sat beside, watching the cars go past.

"Honey... are we ready for this?" she asked.

"I am. Are you?" he answered.

"I guess so, yes... we need to go get wallpaper and decorations for her room!"

"How about butterflies?"

"How- are you insane, Noel? I guess the sex has made you stupid after all."


	10. Everything Old is New Again

**10 - Everything Old is New Again**

It had been a quiet few months, with the couple preparing for the baby. But October was fast approaching, with the ninth being Dee's due date. It was October 8th, and the two were relaxing in the living room when Dee suddenly gasped in pain. Noel shot forward and looked into her eyes.

"Noel... she's not waiting any longer, is she?"

"No, babes. Come on, let's get you to the hospital!"

The labour was long, hard and painful. Eventually, after much screaming, the room fell silent, and a lone cry rang out across the building. Noel stared straight at his girlfriend's face.

Then welcomed Heather to the family.

She was so small. And while she may not have looked spectacular there now, being covered in blood and placenta and all that, she was still beautiful. And she always would be.

**The End.**


End file.
